The Only Effective Way to Deal with Comparisons that Kill Your Confidence
The Only Effective Way to Deal with Comparisons that Kill Your Confidence
Stop Ignoring Your Destiny
“I just don’t know enough…they know way more than me.”
“What do I have to offer? They’re already doing it.”
“Who am I to do this? I’m not as qualified as…”
Have you ever heard yourself say any of these things? Do you struggle with comparing yourself to others to the point of paralysing yourself and sabotaging your ability to achieve your goals and fulfil your potential?
The familiar cycle of confidence-killing comparison
You’re starting to feel capable and confident. Like you have something to offer the world. Expertise, wisdom, a skill, or capability that you know could help others or contribute to a cause. You’re beginning to feel secure in the knowledge of who you are and ‘what you bring to the table.’
And then.
You scroll.
Suddenly your social media feed appears to be inundated with people that are already doing what you do. It’s like some warped ‘insecurity-algorithm’ has been activated, sending you content that seems custom-made to kill your budding confidence.
Not only are you noticing all the people that are already doing what you do, they also appear to be doing it better.
And so…you feel yourself contract.
You scurry back into your hidey hole.
And you declare: It’s not safe to go out there! Not with all those more experienced, more knowledgeable, more qualified, more talented, more confident people.
And while you ball up in your hidey hole you chastise yourself for being so brazen, so presumptuous, so delusional to even entertain the idea that you had anything of value to offer. Then you begin frantically gathering more knowledge and resources. Doing whatever you can to fill this void of ‘not enough.’ To rebuild your confidence and make it ‘safe’ to step out again.
But when you do, you find yourself confronted with another COMPARISON ONSLAUGHT! It’s a never-ending cycle. No matter what you do, you always find someone or something to compare yourself unfavourably with. To provide evidence of your ‘not enough-ness.’
Your Destiny depends on breaking this cycle
This cycle could continue for years, decades, perhaps the rest of your life.
Because your Destiny calls you. The drive for you to express your unique gifts and talents in service to other people is uncompromising, it’s the reason you’re here on this Earth. Your Destiny will continue knocking on your door until you answer.
But every time you answer the call, when you crawl out of your hidey hole into the limelight of your true self-expression, you’re confronted with ALL your fears.
Vulnerability, rejection, disapproval, failure, humiliation, success, isolation, persecution, attack, judgement. Being found out as a fraud or imposter. The list goes on…
Rather than address these fears head on, you’ll find a convenient mechanism to justify your self-doubt and return to your hidey hole: enter ‘comparisons that kill your confidence’.
Have you ever thought of it this way? The problem is not that you’re not good enough in relation to other people (‘I’m not as good as them’), the problem is that you’re not facing the truth of your feelings (‘I’m scared of failing’).
Comparison is merely a way of you sabotaging your self-expression.
How to break the cycle of confidence-killing comparison
Breaking the confidence-killing comparison cycle starts with bringing AWARENESS to your negative self-talk, endless justifying, and unhelpful fixations. And then bringing awareness to the feelings underneath them:
Notice when the thoughts of ‘not enough’ or ‘not as good as’ arise.
At that moment, turn your attention inwards and ask yourself the simple question: When it comes to expressing myself, what is it that I am truly scared of right now?
The aim is to stop focusing on the object of your comparison and to find out what is happening within you when you think about daring to express yourself. To discover the FEAR or emotional energy that lies beneath the mind’s distraction tactic of comparing yourself to others.
Once you’ve recognised your underlying fear, you’ll probably be overcome with an urge to seek out the ‘wound’ that ‘caused’ it and dive into self-help or therapy to heal it.
This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but there are risks involved:
The therapy or self-help becomes a ‘crusade’ of fixing that doesn’t free up any emotional energy, morphing into another distraction tactic that keeps you stuck in your hidey hole. e.g., ‘I’m keeping this fear of vulnerability alive by continually talking about it.’
Your self-expression becomes conditional upon your wound healing. e.g., ‘I can’t possibly move forward and express myself until I’ve healed ALL my rejection wounds.’
The ONE CHOICE you can make to stop the comparison charade
There is an easier way you can pull yourself out of your hidey hole for good.
Once you see the comparison charade for what it is and begin to observe your fears, you only need to make once choice:
To meet your Destiny.
To let your Destiny become your driving force. To let its creative energy pulsate through your body. To allow it to take over the steering wheel of your life.
You shift your focus from ‘fixing your fears’ to ‘honouring your calling’.
Following your Destiny is scary. It is uncomfortable. Cold feet will always precede stepping out. Overwhelm will always arise in the face of a momentous vision. Fear will always appear in the face of an uncertain future. And wound healing is always part of the process.
When your Destiny becomes your foundation for flow and progress, it will provide you with everything you need: courage to face your fears, support to heal your wounds, strength to ride the rollercoaster of self-doubt, and the perseverance to keep going.
The context for your healing efforts changes entirely once you make this choice. The ‘work’ of fear-facing and wound-healing is done in service to your destiny. It’s part of your groundwork for completing your mission here on Earth. You’re not healing your trauma so you can feel comfortable about your self-expression. Instead, your destiny is summoning your self-expression, which may (or may not) require the resolution of trauma.
Know your superpower. Know your place.
Taking responsibility for your Destiny reveals the futility of comparison.
Your Destiny is yours and yours only. It’s your unique path of evolution. It’s your individual blueprint for a fulfilling life.
Whatever anyone else is doing, why they’re doing it and what they’re getting out of it, is completely irrelevant to you and your Destiny. All you can know is that they are fulfilling their destiny. You might be inspired by them, you might admire their gifts, you might be in awe of what they can do and how they do it.
But if you’re feeling pressure to be like others or do it their way, if you’re stuck in comparison and self-doubt, you are choosing to ignore your Destiny.
Getting caught in the comparison cycle occurs when you haven’t claimed responsibility for your superpower and how to use it to help others.
When Superman discovered he could fly, he didn’t decide to continue taking the train and he didn’t see an Instagram reel of Spiderman climbing walls and think ‘oh shit, what have I got to offer?’ He had to understand his superpower, master it, and figure out how it could be used to help others.
This is why meeting your Destiny is such a potent driving force. Because it isn’t just about you. Your Destiny is what the Universe is asking you to contribute to the whole. Your self-expression is required. Not so you can make money and accumulate followers, but purely because that’s what you’re here to do. You’ve got one job!
The impulse to connect and contribute, the urge to help others, is what makes you human. It’s also what helps you get out of your head, get over yourself and get out of your own way.
Meeting your destiny asks of you 3 things:
Know your superpower – embrace your purpose, your gifts, your unique perspective.
Know how to use it – employ your style, your approach, your modes of expression.
Know your contribution – engage with those who’ll benefit from your gifts and deliver.
The next time you feel the urge to indulge in comparison, instead give yourself permission to own and celebrate your way. Your unique expression. What you contribute. When each of us owns our superpowers, while respecting and celebrating each other’s superpowers, the true bliss of harmony and the true magic of co-creation can take hold. You can be confident of that.