Self-Trust is a Process of Trial and Error
I have been on the journey of self-discovery for quite some time. This means that I really, really suck at it. You would think that after all the books, courses, workshops, podcasts, therapy sessions, modalities, classes, meditations, psychic readings, astrological analysis, journalling sessions and endless self-inquiry that I would have nailed it. But nope. Certainly not. I am a complete failure. I have no freakin’ clue who I am.
I’ve recently come to realise that one of the reasons I can be so helpful in sorting out clients’ issues and alleged ‘failures’ is because I have had so many. In fact, I am sure that if you named a self-sabotage you are currently having, I could confidently reel off ten examples demonstrating how I have excelled in the same type of sabotage. I am the worst Saboteur ever.
One day I asked my set of ‘Archetype’ oracle cards what my life purpose was. I was expecting to see ‘Healer’ or ‘Sage,’ and I would have happily settled on ‘Genius’. But do you know what it was? The Saboteur! Talk about a come down. My life purpose was to work with the Archetype of the Saboteur? But I have just spent the best part of 15 years trying to escape from it! It was quite depressing, here I was making a living out of helping people with their sabotages, only to be reminded that I am the biggest Saboteur of all. When I recovered from the devastating ego-blow, I carefully read the card’s description:
Saboteur
Highlights your fear of self-empowerment and the changes it may bring to your life. Exposes fears and issues related to low self-esteem that cause you to make the choices that block your own empowerment and success. (Carolyn Myss, Archetype Cards)
Then I thought, well, I guess that is what I do. I grill people (lovingly) and ask their subconscious to reveal their worst fears and hidden ‘blocks.’ I then get out a big fat love mallet and help them knock it out of their system. The thing is, being such a f*ck-up, with so many fears and blocks, enables me to be effective at helping people to identify these fears and blocks in themselves, especially with compassion. And with that realisation came the understanding that my role as a teacher is to let my collection of failures help you pave the way to your success. When you appear with the “I played solitaire for 10 hours straight yesterday instead of living my passion” I can empathise knowingly and respond like Maxwell Smart: “The old 10-hour solitaire trick…” and then we can roll up our sleeves and get to work.
Most of us, however, are reluctant to deal with the Saboteur head on. We would rather keep demanding that we have a clear and unimpeded path to self-knowledge and our personal goals. We don’t want to have to deal with the blocks, we just want to find the block-free route.
I have taught Kinesiology and self-testing to many clients over the years and I have noticed something quite interesting. At the start of the class there is an air of enthusiasm and anticipation about learning the ‘magic’ of muscle-testing. Then there is the wonder and excitement of seeing the ‘magic’ work before your eyes. But then, the discussion turns to guaranteeing the accuracy of the results. To establishing an ongoing self-connection. To cultivating unwavering self-trust. And something happens. I begin to feel an undercurrent of disappointment.
It is as if the magic and fun has left the building with the realisation: “Well, I can have this magical tool that grants me access to my deepest inner wisdom but shit, I am going to have to trust myself to use it. That’s just too hard!”
Why are we so reluctant to do the work to cultivate self-trust?
I am afraid that I cannot tell you the definitive reason for this reluctance. But what I can tell you is this: I have nearly ended up in the hands of a nude Tantric Sex Healer because of it. (As I said earlier, you have much to learn from my spiritual-seeking wrong-turns.)
Becoming a Kinesiology practitioner gave me no other option but to learn to trust myself. And in my experience, self-trust does require learning. It takes time. It takes patience. It takes perseverance and of course, it takes practice. It is a process of trial and error. You need to earn your own trust. You need to try. You need to experiment. You need to take a leap of faith. You need to swallow your perfectionist fears and have a good old-fashioned crack. You need to be prepared to fail. You need to give yourself permission to allow your failures to lead you to success.
Adayashanti says in one of his teachings (Achieving Total Failure) that when it comes to truly understanding the human experience and realising yourself spiritually, then “failure is the means to success.” It is the ego’s constant trying and striving for success which inevitably leads to total failure. It is the ego’s failure which paves the way for the spiritual awakening, for the truth of who you are to be revealed, for success.
If you have been struggling in your quest for self-trust, then let my narrow escape from the clutches of a cult be a warning to you. Do the work. Take the time. Don’t give up. Your Essence is waiting to reveal itself to you. Your true desires, your stunning intuitions and your breathtaking wisdom awaits. Don’t let the fear of failure, of making mistakes, hold you back. Take that brave step forward, be boldly prepared to fail, all the while knowing that every failure will get you closer to success, closer to your truth. And if you’re scared, I’m here to help.
If you want to connect with your true purpose and 'follow the breadcrumbs' of your destiny, then check out the Path of Purpose – a series of virtual workshops to help light your path.