When letting go of control is a survival threat
A friend of mine was once in the thick of a family crisis. Dealing with an unwell father, a working-around-the-clock corporate husband, a six-month old baby, and a washing machine that had broken down.
When I offered to help, she refused.
Although my husband thought it amusing that I should offer up my amateur laundry skills, she was clearly going to drown in a sea of dirty laundry if no-one intervened, so I insisted.
Eventually, she reluctantly agreed, insisting that she drop off the washing instead of having me pick it up.
As we unloaded the five bags of washing, she alternated between apologising and thanking me. Then I noticed that around the top of each bag of washing, my friend had tied a mini bag filled with washing powder.
I couldn’t believe it. I was happy to use mine or buy some. But five individually portioned bags of washing powder?
If ever there was a tell-tale sign of being uncomfortable with getting help and needing to ‘help the helper,’ this was it.
Welcome to Hyper-independence
Do you find it difficult to ask for help?
According to the Google Bot, Hyper-independence is defined as:
…an excessive reliance on oneself, often to the point of avoiding help or support from others. It's characterised by a strong desire to do everything independently and a reluctance to ask for assistance, even when needed. This can stem from past experiences of trauma or neglect, where individuals learned that relying on others was unreliable or unsafe. While self-reliance is valuable, hyper-independence can be a defence mechanism that hinders emotional connection and healthy relationships.
Hyper-independent people like you are awesome. You’re capable. Productive. Resourceful. Trustworthy. You get shit done.
This is all good stuff.
And I am sure that for the most part, you are living happily in self-sufficient bliss.
That is, until you find yourself…
Buried under the weight of responsibility for everyone and everything else
Burnt out from over-work
Incapacitated due to injury or illness
Hitting a project or task that is physically impossible for you to do on your own
Feeling resentful that you’re always the one picking up the slack
Realising that doing the work of other people is preventing you from actioning your own goals and dreams
In other words, hyper-independence is all fun, games and empowerment until you hit a point where you need help.
For some, breaking a leg is an opportunity to enjoy some rest, get waited on by others and binge- watch Netflix. For the Hyper-independent, it is the excruciating realisation of helplessness. It is the shattering of your self-sufficient world.
Self-sufficiency is both safety and a superpower
Imagine giving up ALL your tasks and responsibilities, especially the ones you take on for other people. Imagine surrendering EVERYTHING you do. Imagine that NOTHING is UP TO YOU.
Imagine…
LETTING. GO. OF. CONTROL.
Did you just feel that?
That record scratching realisation that when you surrender all your tasks and responsibilities…you also give up control.
Perhaps you also give up doing things which:
Demonstrate your capabilities
Enable you to feel productive and useful
Give you a sense of pride and achievement
Make you feel worthy, valuable and helpful to others
Your self-sufficient world is your SAFETY, but your self-sufficiency is also your SUPERPOWER.
How the fear of helplessness fuels your hyper-independence
If you were a child that could not trust that you’d receive the love, care, support or nourishment you needed, you felt helpless.
And it’s important to clarify that the child’s experience of helplessness is not the simple frustration of “I can’t reach the remote control because I’ve broken my leg” it is a survival threat: “I don’t trust you’re going to feed me, and I could die.”
The stress of this threat gets wired into the nervous system – you become programmed to AVOID THE HELL OF HELPLESSNESS at all costs. And independence, the ability to meet your own needs, becomes your lifesaver.
I’m often helping hyper-independent clients begin the game-changing task of asking for and receiving the support they need. And time and again, their challenge is this:
“I want to ask for help, I want to feel supported. But how do I let go of control?!”
I often use a simple example.
Let’s say that you’re sick and tired of always cleaning up after everyone in your household. And you declare that you want your beloved family members to clean up after themselves in the kitchen.
How comfortable are you leaving the dirty dishes in the sink until they clean them up? Does the mess in the kitchen plunge you into chaos? Does it make you feel out of control?
Letting go of control, finding comfort in the chaos
The uncomfortable truth is: if you truly want to stop doing it all yourself, if you want to let in more love and support, if you want more help, you’re going to have to let go of your need for total control and get comfortable with the chaos of feeling helpless. You’re going to have to ‘face down’ your fears that you’ll die if help isn’t delivered…or the plates stay in the sink…all night!
It’s not easy. But remember, your need for control is not a psychological pathology, it’s a genius coping mechanism. Releasing control is legitimately difficult because it is a THREAT to both your SAFETY and your SUPERPOWERS.
As you begin to break down your patterns of Hyper-independence (which will happen whether you like it or not), you need to nurture your nervous system through the illusory but nonetheless scary ‘I’ll die if no help comes’ moments, and assure yourself that you are worthy and capable even when you’re not doing things and helping everybody else. And you’ll have to practice taking deep breaths when you see the dishes in the sink.
Comforable self-sufficiency?
I'm not going to lie - my obsession with Kinesiology and particularly self-testing was borne from hyper-independence. A need to do it all myself. But interestingly, the more intensely I pursued self-sufficiency, the more I realised that I couldn't do it all alone.
Part of my personal block to seeking help was feeling confused and overwhelmed by all the advice and options - I felt unable to discern what I truly needed. I also didn't trust myself enough to trust others to help and support me.
And so, Kinesiology Self-Testing became a tool not for maintaining my hyper-independence, but for helping me to let go of control and allow in the support I needed. And it did this because it enabled me to repair my self-connection and increase my self-trust. It has helped me continually improve my powers of discernment so that I feel safe to seek and allow the support I need.